Drama: Who's the Senior Pastor?
The Sheep Guide
WHO'S THE SENIOR PASTOR?
A Ten-Minute Play
by
Rick A. Knock
Based on Abbott and Costello's "Who's on First?"
Cast of Characters
EMILY (OR LEE): Church Secretary, Greeter, or Rep
PHIL (OR PHYLLIS): Caller or Visitor
Church Personnel (In order of mention)
WHO: Senior Pastor
WHAT: Associate Pastor
I DON'T KNOW: Youth Pastor
SOMEBODY: Head Usher
THERE YOU GO: Choir Director
NOBODY: Janitor
MANY: Head Greeter
FORGET IT: Sunday School Superintendent
Scene
A church office or reception area in Anytown USA.
Time
Daytime. Season and time period of your choosing.
SETTING:
Church office or reception area.
AT RISE:
If performed as phone call, Emily (or Lee) can be seated at their desk in the church office. Phil (or Phyllis) can either be seated at other side of stage or their dialogue can be voiced off stage.
Alternately, Phil (or Phyllis) can show up at the church in person and Emily (or Lee) can engage them in the reception area.
FADE IN:
INT. CHURCH OFFICE OR RECEPTION AREA - DAY
Phone rings or visitor walks in.
EMILY OR LEE
(If answering phone)
Good morning! Thank you for calling First Church. This is Emily (or Lee), how can I help you today?
(If engaging a visitor)
Good morning! Welcome to First church. My name is Emily (or Lee), how can I help you today?
PHIL OR PHYLLIS
Hi, this is Phil (or Phyllis) Smith. I'm calling (or here) because I'm new to town and I'm looking for a church. I noticed your church is close to where I live, and I was wondering if you could tell me a few things about it.
EMILY OR LEE
I'd be more than happy to. What would you like to know?
PHIL OR PHYLLIS
Well, for starters, the church appears to be quite large. I was wondering if I might have heard of any of the pastors. Could you tell me some of their names?
EMILY OR LEE
Certainly. We have three full-time pastors. Who's our Senior Pastor, What's our Associate Pastor, and I Don't Know, our Youth Pastor.
PHIL OR PHYLLIS
Wait a minute, are you a member of this church?
EMILY OR LEE
Yes, I've been a member for over 12 years now.
PHIL OR PHYLLIS
And you don't know the names of the Pastors?
EMILY OR LEE
Of course I do.
PHIL OR PHYLLIS
Okay then, the Senior Pastor's name?
EMILY OR LEE
Who.
PHIL OR PHYLLIS
The Senior Pastor.
EMILY OR LEE
Who.
PHIL OR PHYLLIS
The Senior Pastor. You know, the head preacher.
EMILY OR LEE
Who is the head preacher.
PHIL OR PHYLLIS
I'm asking YOU who's the head preacher.
EMILY OR LEE
That's the man's name.
PHIL OR PHYLLIS
That's whose name?
EMILY OR LEE
Yes.
PHIL OR PHYLLIS
Huh? Look, all I want to know is, what's the name of the Senior Pastor?
EMILY OR LEE
No, no. What's the Associate Pastor.
PHIL OR PHYLLIS
Who's the Associate Pastor?
EMILY OR LEE
Who's the Senior Pastor.
PHIL OR PHYLLIS
I don't know.
EMILY OR LEE
He's our Youth Pastor.
PHIL OR PHYLLIS
Youth Pastor? How did we get to Youth Pastor?
EMILY OR LEE
Well, you mentioned the man's name.
PHIL OR PHYLLIS
Who's name?
EMILY OR LEE
No, Who is our Senior Pastor.
PHIL OR PHYLLIS
I don't know.
EMILY OR LEE
He's our Youth Pastor.
PHIL OR PHYLLIS
Huh? Look, if I mentioned the guy's name, who did I say was the Youth Pastor?
EMILY OR LEE
Who is the Senior Pastor.
PHIL OR PHYLLIS
I'm not asking who's the Senior Pastor . . .
EMILY OR LEE
Who IS the Senior Pastor.
PHIL OR PHYLLIS
I want to know what's the name of the Youth Pastor.
EMILY OR LEE
No, What's our Associate Pastor.
PHIL OR PHYLLIS
Who's the Associate Pastor?
EMILY OR LEE
Who's the Senior Pastor.
PHIL OR PHYLLIS
I DON'T KNOW!
EMILY OR LEE
Youth Pastor.
PHIL OR PHYLLIS
(Drops head)
All right. Let's forget about the pastors for a moment, and try something else. Do you have a head usher?
EMILY OR LEE
Of course we have a head usher.
PHIL OR PHYLLIS
And the head usher's name?
EMILY OR LEE
Somebody.
PHIL OR PHYLLIS
Well, are you going to tell me who?
EMILY OR LEE
No, Who is the Senior Pastor.
PHIL OR PHYLLIS
But what's the head usher's name?
EMILY OR LEE
No, What's the Associate Pastor.
PHIL OR PHYLLIS
Who's the Associate Pastor?
EMILY OR LEE
Who's the Senior Pastor.
PHIL OR PHYLLIS
I DON'T KNOW!
EMILY OR LEE
Youth Pastor.
PHIL OR PHYLLIS
(Puts hands up to signal “stop”)
Wait.
(Lowers hands)
Let's try again. Somebody at your church is the Head Usher, right?
EMILY OR LEE
Yes.
PHIL OR PHYLLIS
There you go!
EMILY OR LEE
Oh, She's our Choir Director.
PHIL OR PHYLLIS
(Drops head, exasperated, then lifts head)
Look, let's go back to the pastors. Do you pay your pastors?
EMILY OR LEE
Of course we do. "The workman is worthy of his hire," you know.
PHIL OR PHYLLIS
Ok. Look, let's pretend it's payday. Who gets the Senior Pastor's check?
EMILY OR LEE
That's right.
PHIL OR PHYLLIS
So who gets the check?
EMILY OR LEE
Yes, of course. Why wouldn't he? He's entitled to it.
PHIL OR PHYLLIS
Who is?
EMILY OR LEE
Certainly. Why, sometimes his wife even picks it up for him.
PHIL OR PHYLLIS
Whose wife?
EMILY OR LEE
Yes.
PHIL OR PHYLLIS
Look, all I'm trying to find out is what's the name of your Senior Pastor?
EMILY OR LEE
What's our Associate Pastor.
PHIL OR PHYLLIS
Who's the Associate Pastor?
EMILY OR LEE
Who's our Senior Pastor.
PHIL OR PHYLLIS
I DON'T KNOW!
EMILY OR LEE
Youth Pastor.
PHIL OR PHYLLIS
(Drops head, pauses, raises head)
Okay, okay. Let's try again. I'll try to make this really simple. Do you have a janitor?
EMILY OR LEE
Of course we have a janitor. A church this size would have to have a janitor.
PHIL OR PHYLLIS
And the janitor is . . .
EMILY OR LEE
Nobody.
PHIL OR PHYLLIS
Huh?
EMILY OR LEE
Huh what?
PHIL OR PHYLLIS
Do you have a janitor or don't you?
EMILY OR LEE
Yes, I told you we do.
PHIL OR PHYLLIS
And the janitor is . . .
EMILY OR LEE
Nobody.
PHIL OR PHYLLIS
(Pulls at hair with both hands)
AGHH! Who is the janitor?
EMILY OR LEE
No, Who is our Senior Pastor.
PHIL OR PHYLLIS
(Frustrated, becoming angry, points finger at church rep, then raises finger to emphasize “one”)
If you say "Who's our Senior Pastor" one more time . . .
(Trying to control anger)
Look . . . All I want to know is, what's your janitor's name?
EMILY OR LEE
What's our Associate Pastor.
PHIL OR PHYLLIS
Who's your Associate Pastor?
EMILY OR LEE
Who's our Senior Pastor.
PHIL OR PHYLLIS
I DON'T KNOW!
EMILY OR LEE
He's the . . .
PHIL OR PHYLLIS
Yes, I know, the Youth Pastor!
EMILY OR LEE
Right!
PHIL OR PHYLLIS
Okay, look. Let's start over. Does your church have greeters?
EMILY OR LEE
Yes, of course. We have Many.
PHIL OR PHYLLIS
And the head greeter is . . .
EMILY OR LEE
Many . . .
PHIL OR PHYLLIS
(exasperated)
AGHH! Many, Nobody, Who, What, Whatever! What kind of a church is this? I'm totally confused, and I was only trying to find out a few names. What would happen if I actually visited your church on Sunday?
(Mockingly)
I can see it now. I'd walk in the front door and be greeted by many. I'd say "who's the Senior Pastor" and I'd be told "that's correct." I'd shake hands with the head usher and introduce myself as Phil Smith . . .
(Starts becoming increasingly angry)
and he'd shake my hand and tell me he's Somebody. And if I commented on how clean the church is I'd be told that it's cleaned by nobody!
EMILY OR LEE
Now you're getting it!
PHIL OR PHYLLIS
Getting it? I don't have a clue what I just said. Look, If somebody introduced me to the Senior Pastor, I'd meet who?
EMILY OR LEE
Naturally.
PHIL OR PHYLLIS
Who?
EMILY OR LEE
Naturally.
PHIL OR PHYLLIS
Somebody would introduce me to Naturally?
EMILY OR LEE
Of course not. What kind of a head usher do you think he is? If you ask to meet the Senior Pastor he'll take you to Who.
PHIL OR PHYLLIS
Naturally.
EMILY OR LEE
Right.
PHIL OR PHYLLIS
Wait a minute. I just said it, now you say it.
EMILY OR LEE
Somebody would introduce you to who.
PHIL OR PHYLLIS
Naturally.
EMILY OR LEE
That's what I'm saying.
PHIL OR PHYLLIS
(Speaks slowly as if trying to end conversation with crazy person.)
Ok, so let me see if I've got this . . . It's a typical Sunday morning, the pews are full, somebody comes in and sits next to nobody, to listen to who, what, or I Don't know.
EMILY OR LEE
Right!
PHIL OR PHYLLIS
Of course it is! Look, I think we'd better just forget it.
EMILY OR LEE
Forget It? Oh, that's our Sunday School Superintendent!
PHIL OR PHYLLIS
Yeah . . . I think I'll go now.
EMILY OR LEE
Ok, it's been nice talking to you. We'll look forward to seeing you this Sunday, when the Senior Pastor's sermon will be "Who's Who of Bible Times."
Phil (or Phyllis) hangs up phone or shakes head, turns and exits. Emily (or Lee) hangs up phone or turns to go.
EMILY OR LEE
(With smile of satisfaction)
What a nice gal (or fella). I can't wait to see them on Sunday!
BLACKOUT.
THE END